A near bust, leads me to reconsider the actual benefits of protein powder and nunchucks…
Now that I’m back stateside it seems like my life has slipped back into that oh too familiar monotony. This of course makes it difficult to blog because I feel that I lack the inspiration that was provided to me so freely in Nicaragua, where everything was new and interesting. However, just the other day a friend of mine supplied me with the ultimate story, which made me reconsider my previous statement about monotony. This story is true, sadly, and none of the facts have been changed or altered except for the name of my friend, which has been changed to protect them from further mockery.
It began yesterday night, when my friend “Glen” decided to take a drive downtown. Glen was doing a good deed and dropping off a friend at their house after the friend had consumed a few too many. Somewhere along the way a police vehicle spotted Glen’s car, and noticed that one of the front lights was out. Therefore, the cop proceeded to pull them over for some quick questioning. The officer asked the standard “show me your license and vehicle registration” and then asked if there were any weapons in the vehicle. At this point, Glen was a little shaken from being pulled over and also surprised by the second question that the officer asked. “Who do they think I am, why would I have weapons?” thought Glen and quickly responded “no of course not.”
Well, something must have looked suspicious, and the officer kindly requested that Glen pop open the trunk, which is where the trouble all began.
The first thing the officer noticed and pulled out of the trunk were a pair of nunchucks. “No weapons you said, well then what are these?” the officer stated accusingly, clearly displaying the nunchucks in front of Glen. Well, last Halloween Glen went as a Ninja. So the nunchucks were left over from the costume and conveniently forgotten in the trunk of the car. Glen stated, “Sir they are nunchucks.” The officer responded, “Well, yes I can see these are nunchucks, but what are they doing in your car.” What Glen should have told the officer was:
A)“I’m a black belt in Karate, and can chop through 5 bricks at a time”
B)“I was trying to emulate my hero Chuck Norris (Insert bad Chuck Norris joke here)”
C)“Look officer, I can’t fit them anywhere else”
D)“Watch out behind you…ninjas!!”
Instead, Glen provided the officer with the boring truth, and told him that the nunchucks were left over from Halloween.
Now, a few weeks ago, Glen suggested that we buy some protein powder together from GNC. Well, time went by and GNC finally had a big sale so we both purchased a 5 lb tub of whey protein powder. Of course, Glen decided to throw his GNC powder in his trunk to the left of the nunchucks.
Now back to that trunk. The cop looked inside the trunk again and now noticed (and who wouldn’t) the 5 lb tub. However, the police officer had no idea that it was from GNC because Glen had ripped off the protein powder’s label by accident. So the officer opened up the tub to find 5 lbs of mystery white powder (that also happened to smell like cookies and cream). “Is this cocaine?” “Are you dealing cocaine” the officer sternly asked. “No, no, no it’s my whey powder.” “What?” “It’s from GNC it has protein, I am trying to get abs.” Well, the officer looks at my friend, looks and the powder, and then starts to drill my friend some more (obviously Glen didn’t appear to be buff enough to be consuming protein powder on a regular basis).
Let the questioning begin:
Officer: Well how many calories per serving does it contain?
Glen: I’m not sure maybe around 100
Officer: How do you not know, and why isn’t there a label on this?
Glen: It came off by accident I have the label at home, it’s protein powder
Officer: Well what brand is it?
Glen: It’s GNC brand
Officer: Well what brand is that?
Glen: I told you it’s GNC brand
Officer: Well tell me what brand!
Glen: I told you it’s the generic brand
Officer: Well it has to have a name…
The questioning continued along those lines for another several minutes until the officer spotted yet another item in the trunk. What could that item be? Another set of nunchucks, not likely. Perhaps, a Chuck Norris doll? Nope, that was at home in a glass display case labeled, “My Hero.” Or maybe some more muscle building stuff, no way. It was just a lil’ole apple pie!
The officer looked in the trunk again and proceeded to pull out an old McDonalds bag with an apple pie left inside of it. “Do you eat these,” he questioned Glen. “Because, you know, this is very counterproductive to muscle building.” Glen responded, “Well, yeah, but they’re 2 for a $1 and I like apple pie.” By this point Glen was clearly shaken, and afraid of being thrown in jail for life due to a 5 lb cookie and cream bust. Finally, the officer believed my friend, and the story ends rather un-climatically. He simply lets them off with this warning, “You should really stop eating those pies, if you want to stay healthy; those things are really bad for you.” As Glen shakily replied, “Ok I will.”
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
“Gotta make the doughnuts” or does the saying go “gotta eat the doughnuts”??
The phrase “gotta make the doughnuts,” was uttered to me some time ago, but it always seemed to stick in my head because its meaning always eluded me. Did it mean that I had a calling as a pastry chef? Should I consider getting a job at Krispy Kream? Or maybe I just need to consume more doughnuts to help the suffering doughnut industry. Well I finally figured out its true meaning, simply put it means gotta make some $$$ (get it? a doughnut is in the shape of a “0” and the more “0’s” you have added onto your paycheck the more money you have in your hand). Unfortunately, the meaning of this phrase dawned on me shortly after I had consumed an entire box of doughnuts. That leads me to my point, since I am back in the U.S.A. I have learned very quickly that I need to jump on the doughnut bandwagon because ¢25 gets you nowhere nowadays, and I reiterate nowhere. I remember when a stamp and a phone call used to cost ¢25. Apparently that time has come and gone. In Nicaragua, ¢25 would buy me any one of the following items: crackers, 5 waters, 5 tortillas, tons of beans, 3 eggs, various snack things etc. (the list goes on and on). In the U.S., I have yet to find anything that actually costs ¢25! So this clearly leads to one conclusion, it’s time to get another job (this time one that actually has a salary, since Peace Corps did not).
Before returning to the U.S.A., Peace Corps informs you that you might have a reverse culture shock. I must say I didn’t really experience too much of a shock, I mean, there are still bad drivers on the road, people use their cell phones inappropriately (while driving, while shopping, while in the gym), people can still be rude or pretty nice depending on the circumstance, timeliness is next to godliness, and In general people are in a rush to go (somewhere or perhaps nowhere). North Americans (and I include myself in this analysis), tend to be a little more suspicious of people in general. In Nicaragua I could approach anyone at anytime and start up a two hour long conversation. In the States people A) Think of you as a weirdo if you make eye contact with them let alone talk to them B) Don’t have time to chat C) Think you will eventually try to sell them something (be it a religion, magazines etc.) or D) Just don’t care.
Of course there are a few things I am happy to have back one being STREET NAMES and ADDRESSES!!! Although, after 3 years I did finally get used to Nicaraguan directions (for example, next to the old church 3 blocks down 2 blocks north). I recently was given directions to my friend’s new house in the States and she failed to mention any landmarks near or around her house. While driving I found myself a bit lost, yeah there are street names but did she know that she could have simply told me “from the Restaurant I hop 2 blocks west and 3 blocks down.” Of course in the U.S.A. where there are chain restaurants on every other block this type of direction giving might lead to more confusion than it’s worth. I suppose another thing I do appreciate about the States is that if you stop and ask for directions a person will either help you or tell you flat out that they don’t know. In Nicaragua, you will never hear the words “No sé, no lo conozco” uttered from anyone’s lips. Quite the opposite, no matter where you go you will always be happily directed somewhere (even if that somewhere isn’t where you actually wanted to go). People will have a big smile on their faces and tell you very specific directions even though those directions are not correct (note to readers, it was never done in malice they just wanted to be helpful). That is why in Nicaragua I would ask numerous people to point me in the right direction. In the States this just isn’t needed thanks to mapquest and/or talking navigational boxes that will guide you on your way. However, I know I will miss actually communicating face to face with a fellow human being even if their directions are not so accurate.
The Church "El Calvario" that
is located in Leon Nicaragua
is located in Leon Nicaragua
Before returning to the U.S.A., Peace Corps informs you that you might have a reverse culture shock. I must say I didn’t really experience too much of a shock, I mean, there are still bad drivers on the road, people use their cell phones inappropriately (while driving, while shopping, while in the gym), people can still be rude or pretty nice depending on the circumstance, timeliness is next to godliness, and In general people are in a rush to go (somewhere or perhaps nowhere). North Americans (and I include myself in this analysis), tend to be a little more suspicious of people in general. In Nicaragua I could approach anyone at anytime and start up a two hour long conversation. In the States people A) Think of you as a weirdo if you make eye contact with them let alone talk to them B) Don’t have time to chat C) Think you will eventually try to sell them something (be it a religion, magazines etc.) or D) Just don’t care. A view inside of the church
Of course there are a few things I am happy to have back one being STREET NAMES and ADDRESSES!!! Although, after 3 years I did finally get used to Nicaraguan directions (for example, next to the old church 3 blocks down 2 blocks north). I recently was given directions to my friend’s new house in the States and she failed to mention any landmarks near or around her house. While driving I found myself a bit lost, yeah there are street names but did she know that she could have simply told me “from the Restaurant I hop 2 blocks west and 3 blocks down.” Of course in the U.S.A. where there are chain restaurants on every other block this type of direction giving might lead to more confusion than it’s worth. I suppose another thing I do appreciate about the States is that if you stop and ask for directions a person will either help you or tell you flat out that they don’t know. In Nicaragua, you will never hear the words “No sé, no lo conozco” uttered from anyone’s lips. Quite the opposite, no matter where you go you will always be happily directed somewhere (even if that somewhere isn’t where you actually wanted to go). People will have a big smile on their faces and tell you very specific directions even though those directions are not correct (note to readers, it was never done in malice they just wanted to be helpful). That is why in Nicaragua I would ask numerous people to point me in the right direction. In the States this just isn’t needed thanks to mapquest and/or talking navigational boxes that will guide you on your way. However, I know I will miss actually communicating face to face with a fellow human being even if their directions are not so accurate.
Jordan and I at a quinceañera party
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Try and try again…
To the left is a beautiful beach located in
San Juan del Sur.
Half the fun of Peace Corps is jumping into the unknown. It took me my first full year in Nicaragua to understand the daily workings of things. Then it took me another 20 months to start implementing projects and getting something done. I learned to be patient, talk to everyone, but mostly just to listen. Most opportunities that came to me during my service came through the contacts I made. At times I stretched myself too thin wanting to help everyone, and I wasn’t always successful in everything I did. But I always tried and I can honestly say I never gave up. In Nicaragua, I sometimes felt alone. Others times I felt surrounded by either people, noises, animals, smells, smoke and/or heat. However, most of the time I just felt at home. I learned that things never go quite as planned (I have fixed my fair share of flat bike tires), but to roll with the punches (walking works well when you get a flat), keep a positive outlook (it will probably rain while you’re walking but at least it won’t be hot), and you will find success in anything you try to accomplish.
Peace Corps for me has been about a lot of rejection, and then how the re-group after you’ve been rejected! The answers are never right in front of you, and sometimes you have to be really creative to turn a bad experience into a “learning experience.”
For me, the biggest challenge I faced was something that I couldn’t change or alter. However, it didn’t matter because I learned how to get around that challenge and still be successful. It’s like building a road but there’s a giant mountain in your way. So I just learned to go around my mountain, granted it took longer and the path wasn’t quite as smooth, but when I finally made it over the feeling of achievement was that much greater.
Now that it is officially time for me to leave Nicaragua I have realized that my biggest accomplishment isn’t the amount of projects I completed but in fact it is the amount of people I met along the way.
Here's a pic of Goggins and I at the beach.
He can't swim so he just soaked up some
sun while I splashed in the waves.
My top ten memories of Nicaragua:
San Juan del Sur.
Half the fun of Peace Corps is jumping into the unknown. It took me my first full year in Nicaragua to understand the daily workings of things. Then it took me another 20 months to start implementing projects and getting something done. I learned to be patient, talk to everyone, but mostly just to listen. Most opportunities that came to me during my service came through the contacts I made. At times I stretched myself too thin wanting to help everyone, and I wasn’t always successful in everything I did. But I always tried and I can honestly say I never gave up. In Nicaragua, I sometimes felt alone. Others times I felt surrounded by either people, noises, animals, smells, smoke and/or heat. However, most of the time I just felt at home. I learned that things never go quite as planned (I have fixed my fair share of flat bike tires), but to roll with the punches (walking works well when you get a flat), keep a positive outlook (it will probably rain while you’re walking but at least it won’t be hot), and you will find success in anything you try to accomplish. To the right are my students, counterpart
and myself posing for a picture after winning
the national business competition.
and myself posing for a picture after winning
the national business competition.
Peace Corps for me has been about a lot of rejection, and then how the re-group after you’ve been rejected! The answers are never right in front of you, and sometimes you have to be really creative to turn a bad experience into a “learning experience.”
For me, the biggest challenge I faced was something that I couldn’t change or alter. However, it didn’t matter because I learned how to get around that challenge and still be successful. It’s like building a road but there’s a giant mountain in your way. So I just learned to go around my mountain, granted it took longer and the path wasn’t quite as smooth, but when I finally made it over the feeling of achievement was that much greater.
Now that it is officially time for me to leave Nicaragua I have realized that my biggest accomplishment isn’t the amount of projects I completed but in fact it is the amount of people I met along the way.
Here's a pic of Goggins and I at the beach.
He can't swim so he just soaked up some
sun while I splashed in the waves.
My top ten memories of Nicaragua:
1)Dancing: in buses, with small children, at fiestas or whenever/wherever the mood might strike.
2)Eating hot soup at 12pm.
3)Finding a rat den in my house complete with 10 rats.
4)Riding the “Farris wheel of death” at my town carnival.
5)Going to the circus where the rafters swayed from the weight of people (including myself) that sat on them.
6)Falling off a bridge with my bike over my shoulder into a very deep muddy pit.
7)Getting stuck in a river while I was on a bus.
8)Getting hugs from all of the little kids that lived around my house.
9)Saying “Adios” to everyone on the street.
10)Watching my students graduate from high school and go onto college.
2)Eating hot soup at 12pm.
3)Finding a rat den in my house complete with 10 rats.
4)Riding the “Farris wheel of death” at my town carnival.
5)Going to the circus where the rafters swayed from the weight of people (including myself) that sat on them.
6)Falling off a bridge with my bike over my shoulder into a very deep muddy pit.
7)Getting stuck in a river while I was on a bus.
8)Getting hugs from all of the little kids that lived around my house.
9)Saying “Adios” to everyone on the street.
10)Watching my students graduate from high school and go onto college.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Pronunciation is key...don’t go around wishing people a happy new anus
I would like to begin by wishing everyone a feliz año nuevo. For those who might be unfamiliar with the Spanish language, I will take just a moment to explain something simple, yet valid. Above the letter “n” in the word año you will notice a squiggly line, in fact, this is not know as a squiggle but as a tilde, which is placed on top of the “n” to change the pronunciation of the word. Without the squiggle the word takes on a different meaning. For example, año spelled: ano means anus. Therefore, unless you know someone who recently underwent a certain reconstructive surgery, it is best to wish people a happy new año!
My new year’s resolutions:
1)Stop lying. All of the packages that get sent to me are addressed to Pastora Brie Johnson, which translates to either Pastor or goat herder…I am neither. Although, having the title goat herder/pastor has helped navigate packages quickly through many treacherous sticky fingers it has also forced me to assume two alternate identities. I am now fully capable of participating in a conversation solely about goats; as well, I have acquired the skills to bless tiny infants. Quite frankly, I feel like I have become caught up in a web of lies. Although, I have noticed some packages have not made it through, and I have reached the conclusion that postal workers must enjoy stealing things from goat herders.
2)Smile less. A smile indicates that you are a happy and pleasant person that would be willing to participate in a conversation. While this may not be looked upon as a bad quality (the quality of smiling too much) to those of us that do tend to smile too much (such as myself) it unknowingly draws in the crazies. In the last few years, I have found myself sucked into hour long conversations with: a toothless crazy, a divorced drunk crazy ex-pat looking for roast beef, a board-short Hawaiian t-shirt wearing crazy wanting to know how to get a ticket to China, an English slurring slang throwing crazy that used to live in New York…and this list goes on and on.
3)Run less. I forgot that a workout routine should not involve running for your life from a crazy dog (although that is a great way to build up a good sweat). During my brief return home to the USA I entered into a 24 hour fitness center, which I can honestly say took my breath away. Inside there were hundreds of machines at my disposal and 0 dogs, drunks or other unruly obstacles that normally make up my typical workout routine.
4)Stop being so patient. Whoever said that patience is a virtue was mistaken because you know what? It’s not. Stepping back into the US made me see what not having patience can bring you: a free non-fat no whip extra hot latte, an upgrade into first class on the airplane, you also get to drive faster than everyone else on the roadway and arrive at your destination a full 30 seconds before everyone else arrives.
5)Update my blog.
Finally, a 20 second update (with pictures to follow) of the past year. I went to Costa Rica, El Salvador, Honduras, and Guatemala and saw rainforests, rivers of crocodiles, monkeys, exotic birds, Mayan ruins, volcanoes, oceans, and a bull fight. Although, I technically should have finished my Peace Corps service in July 2009, I decided to stay a bit longer in order to witness some of the following events:
I went to a bunch of 15th birthday parties, 1 wedding and baby shower after baby shower. I had 4 of my student groups win their local business competition. I had 3 student groups participate in a regional business competition and I had 1 group continue on to the national level where they took 1st place and were featured in the newspaper. I finished the school year in November with all of my counterpart teachers and watched my kids graduate. I saw the business course, which I have taught through my entire Peace Corps service, get indoctrinated into the national Nicaraguan school curriculum…talk about sustainability! And most importantly, I have been able to share all of the highs (and some lows) with my great Nica friends, counterparts and neighbors!
My new year’s resolutions:
1)Stop lying. All of the packages that get sent to me are addressed to Pastora Brie Johnson, which translates to either Pastor or goat herder…I am neither. Although, having the title goat herder/pastor has helped navigate packages quickly through many treacherous sticky fingers it has also forced me to assume two alternate identities. I am now fully capable of participating in a conversation solely about goats; as well, I have acquired the skills to bless tiny infants. Quite frankly, I feel like I have become caught up in a web of lies. Although, I have noticed some packages have not made it through, and I have reached the conclusion that postal workers must enjoy stealing things from goat herders.
2)Smile less. A smile indicates that you are a happy and pleasant person that would be willing to participate in a conversation. While this may not be looked upon as a bad quality (the quality of smiling too much) to those of us that do tend to smile too much (such as myself) it unknowingly draws in the crazies. In the last few years, I have found myself sucked into hour long conversations with: a toothless crazy, a divorced drunk crazy ex-pat looking for roast beef, a board-short Hawaiian t-shirt wearing crazy wanting to know how to get a ticket to China, an English slurring slang throwing crazy that used to live in New York…and this list goes on and on.
3)Run less. I forgot that a workout routine should not involve running for your life from a crazy dog (although that is a great way to build up a good sweat). During my brief return home to the USA I entered into a 24 hour fitness center, which I can honestly say took my breath away. Inside there were hundreds of machines at my disposal and 0 dogs, drunks or other unruly obstacles that normally make up my typical workout routine.
4)Stop being so patient. Whoever said that patience is a virtue was mistaken because you know what? It’s not. Stepping back into the US made me see what not having patience can bring you: a free non-fat no whip extra hot latte, an upgrade into first class on the airplane, you also get to drive faster than everyone else on the roadway and arrive at your destination a full 30 seconds before everyone else arrives.
5)Update my blog.
My students and I in the city of León after their Regional Business Competition
Graduation celebration for my students (I am pictured with a fellow teacher/friend Eva)!
Finally, a 20 second update (with pictures to follow) of the past year. I went to Costa Rica, El Salvador, Honduras, and Guatemala and saw rainforests, rivers of crocodiles, monkeys, exotic birds, Mayan ruins, volcanoes, oceans, and a bull fight. Although, I technically should have finished my Peace Corps service in July 2009, I decided to stay a bit longer in order to witness some of the following events:
I went to a bunch of 15th birthday parties, 1 wedding and baby shower after baby shower. I had 4 of my student groups win their local business competition. I had 3 student groups participate in a regional business competition and I had 1 group continue on to the national level where they took 1st place and were featured in the newspaper. I finished the school year in November with all of my counterpart teachers and watched my kids graduate. I saw the business course, which I have taught through my entire Peace Corps service, get indoctrinated into the national Nicaraguan school curriculum…talk about sustainability! And most importantly, I have been able to share all of the highs (and some lows) with my great Nica friends, counterparts and neighbors!
My doggie, Alteza, all grown-up
Standing at the base of a temple in Tikal
In 2010, I will be officially finishing my service, moving back to Colorado for a few months and then plan on seeing the rest of the world!
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